Spoiling vs. Overstepping: Where Psychologists Say Grandparents Should Draw the Line

Every family has its own rules, and they don’t always match at Grandma’s house. Here’s how to tell harmless fun from real boundary-crossing, plus tips for setting expectations without hurting anyone’s feelings.

Grandparents tend to dote on their grandkids, and some rules that apply at home don’t necessarily apply at Grandma and Grandpa’s. Sleeping over with the grandparents may mean a later bedtime, lots of candy, or even extra TV time, and that’s fine, according to experts.

“Children will learn that different environments have different rules, just as they do at school or other people’s homes,” says Dr. Crystal Saidi, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. However, there is an unspoken rule that’s important for grandparents to understand, according to Saidi: “Different rules shouldn’t mean disregarding the parent’s authority or risking the child’s safety.”

Allowing the child to have small indulgences is fine. “It only becomes a problem if the different rules undermine important parenting decisions, create risks or teach children that rules can be ignored if someone else is in charge,” Saidi says.

One thing that should never be risked is the child’s safety, so ignoring food allergies, using physical punishment, or exposing children to unsafe situations is where Saidi draws the line.

There are signs to watch out for to know if grandparents are crossing that line. According to the experts, the following behaviors are red flags:

Ignoring safety rules: “Safety rules cannot be negotiable,” Saidi says, so disregarding allergies, car seat requirements, or medication instructions is unacceptable, posing a risk to the children’s safety.

Undermining parents in front of kids: Contradicting a parent’s decision in front of the child “can put them in the middle of adult conflicts and erode parental authority,” Saidi says.

Encouraging secrets: It is never right to encourage a child to hide things from their parents, because it “can damage trust,” Saidi says. “Children should feel safe telling their parents everything.”

Posting photos online without permission: Only parents have a say on whether their children’s images can be posted online, “because once it is posted you lose the ability to manage it,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Strohman, founder of the nonprofit Digital Citizen Academy. If parents think it’s unsafe to share images of their kids online, grandparents should respect that.

Handing over screens without knowing the rules: Some parents may have strict rules about phones or other devices. Strohman warns that giving kids access to these without understanding the rules can be risky.

Making medical decisions: Unless it’s an emergency, any medical or health decisions should always go through the parents, and even in an emergency, grandparents should call them as soon as possible.

How to Set Boundaries Without Tension

There is a way to set boundaries with grandparents without causing any friction. Saidi suggests showing gratitude and appreciation first, before setting expectations, along the lines of, “Thank you so much for making their visits special. We are OK with occasional treats, but please make sure to be mindful of their allergies.”

It’s also important that these expectations are clearly laid out beforehand to avoid any misunderstanding. If it helps to write them down, do so, especially the non-negotiables like allergies and screen time limits. Providing grandparents with this list before the kids spend time with them “removes ambiguity and reduces the chance of an honest misunderstanding turning into resentment,” Strohman says.

Before you speak to the grandparents about your rules, make sure you and your partner are on the same page. You might also consider having each of you speak with your own parents. If disagreements come up, Saidi suggests talking privately, away from the kids, and focusing on the behavior rather than the person.

There will be different rules as your kids grow, so keep grandparents updated on any changes or additional boundaries. Revisiting the rules together keeps the relationship “collaborative rather than combative,” Strohman says.

Lastly, always show appreciation to grandparents and express how much you value their presence in your children’s lives.