Teens Pulling Away During the Holidays? Here's How to Keep Them Involved

Offering simple choices and setting expectations early can make a big difference. Therapists explain how to keep older kids connected to family traditions, plus fresh ideas they may actually look forward to.

It was easier when they were kids. They were always excited during the holiday season. But once they’re teens, you’re met with eye rolls, phones, and a sudden lack of interest in joining the family fun.

Sound familiar? According to psychotherapist Amy Morin, it’s normal for teens to drift away from family in favor of time with friends. But there are ways to pull them back in come holiday season. Here’s what the experts suggest.

Give Them a Say

One of the best ways to involve your teens is to get them engaged as early as the planning stage. Ask for their input on how they’d like to celebrate the holidays, and make sure to pick up on their suggestions and incorporate them into your holiday plans.

Psychotherapist Andrew Tepper, founder of Boda Therapy, suggests drawing clear lines on which activities may be optional for teens and which ones are a must for the whole family. “Giving teens some flexibility and a say in how they participate can help them feel more engaged rather than obligated,” he says.

It also helps to provide options and ask them what they prefer. Morin suggests questions like, “Do you want to decorate the tree tonight or in the morning?”

Set Expectations, and Pick Your Battles

Do not blindside your teens with expectations that have not been previously set. To avoid arguments, set the rules early on, like asking your teen to keep their phone out of sight during a family gathering. It also helps to consider their own plans and adjust to them, such as allowing them to bring a friend or leave a little early.

It will not always be an easy yes, so allow your kids to skip the less important traditions and prioritize those that really matter. This is when you pick your battles and just let go of the smaller things.

Entertain Ideas Teens May Actually Enjoy

Involving your teens means incorporating activities that they are actually going to enjoy, like driving around to see the holiday lights and rating homes according to fun categories, or asking them to prepare a dish for the holiday meal. You can also pretend to be tourists in your town, checking out the sights, volunteer together at a food pantry, or put them in charge of cooking an old family recipe while you assist.

Some families have embraced an Icelandic tradition of gifting a new book on Christmas Eve, along with a bar of chocolate.

Why Traditions Still Matter

Though they may seem uninterested, it is still important to keep traditions. “Maintaining holiday traditions as children grow up helps strengthen the connections and bonds between family members,” Tepper says. He adds that traditions provide consistency and predictability, which kids can find comfort in when navigating the changes of growing up.

Whitney Raglin Bignall of The Kids Mental Health Foundation agrees. “Feeling like we belong and are connected is important for mental health,” she says. She also urges parents to adapt old traditions, or even start new ones.

Sometimes teens will be hard to read. They may act like they’d rather not participate, but Morin says many still secretly enjoy family traditions, even if they won’t admit it.

Ultimately, the goal is not to find the perfect family activity. As behavior analyst Samantha Ridout points out, “The actual activities don’t matter as much as spending quality time together.”