Raising Kind Kids Starts at Home: What Parents Can Do From the Baby Years to the Teen Years

Babies start learning kindness long before they can say “please.” Here’s how experts say parents can keep that lesson growing as kids become teens, and what to do when they slip up.

Many parents focus on good grades, but experts say raising kids with a good heart is just as important. “Soft skills like empathy, compassion, and generosity aren’t mutually exclusive with academic skills,” said psychologist Joseph Laino, PsyD. to Parents. “In fact, they strengthen one another”

Raising kind kids starts with parents. Kindness can be taught, and studies show that children are strongly influenced by what they see adults doing. Developmental psychologist Bruce Hood told The Guardian, “If we model sharing, kindness and generosity to others, children will instinctually copy this behavior.” But how you teach kindness changes as kids grow. Here’s what experts advise.

The Baby and Toddler Years

It’s never too early to start teaching kindness, as long as your efforts match your child’s developmental stage. Even before they can talk, babies pick up on your tone of voice, facial expressions, and the way you respond to someone who’s upset.

Narrating your acts of kindness can also be useful, like saying, “I’m helping Grandma because we take care of people we love.” Young kids can learn from pretend play, too. When a baby doll “cries,” show your child how to wipe its eyes and comfort it with a hug.

Don’t worry if your child seems a bit selfish at times. Young children are naturally egocentric, and their empathy can be inconsistent until about age six, since they tend to focus on their own feelings during moments of stress. “This isn’t selfishness because it isn’t yet conscious behavior,” said Melanie Fisher of the nursery chain Bright Horizons.

The School-Age Years

As kids grow, simple manners like saying “please” and “thank you” lay a good foundation. Child psychologist Laverne Antrobus calls them “the oil in the engine” of kindness.

At shool age, you can easily use storytime to teach empathy by talking about characters’ feelings while reading, which may make kids more likely to help and comfort others. Even asking “What kind thing did you do or see today?” after school can go a long way, according to Jaime Thurston of the School of Kindness.

The school-age years are a good time for kids to perform little acts of kindness, like making cards for neighbors, donating toys, or helping cook a meal for someone. They may slip up now and then, but psychotherapist Anna Mathur notes that unkind moments don’t mean a child is an unkind person.

The Teen Years

The good thing about teens is they’re mature enough for bigger conversations, so you can talk to them about world events and ask them to share their opinions.

Since friends matter a lot at this stage, author Lorraine Candy suggests gently encouraging teens to think about what might be behind a friend’s unkind behavior.

The teen years are also a good time to encourage volunteer work or a cause they’re passionate about, since service means more when kids help choose it.

And if all else fails, Candy suggests getting a dog. “Nothing teaches teens more about caring and kindness than loving a dog,” she said.

No matter your child’s age, the lesson stays the same. As Dr. Laino points out, kids take out into the world what they’re given at home. So the kindest thing you can do is show them how it’s done, one small moment at a time.