Parents Worry These Habits Spoil Kids — Experts Say They Don't

Worried that comforting your crying baby or giving in during a tantrum will spoil them? Experts say it's time to let go of that parenting guilt for good.

Many parents worry that being too affectionate or flexible with their children will spoil them. This is a misconception, according to experts, who point to a different reason why children end up spoiled.

"Parents want to 'get it right,' and they are so well-intentioned," says Sarah Cain Spannagel, PhD, a psychologist at Case Western Reserve University. "But most things parents fear are 'spoiling' their kids are actually forms of meeting core developmental needs."

Contrary to what many may think, there’s nothing wrong with picking up a crying baby, for instance. This actually builds trust and emotional security.

It’s also okay to comfort a toddler who’s having a tantrum, as long as you insist on the boundary you set. For example, if the reason for the tantrum is wanting another cookie when you said “enough,” you can comfort the crying child without relenting on the cookie. This teaches the child to self-regulate over time, says psychologist Caitlin Slavens.

Even allowing kids to negotiate or quit an activity that they no longer enjoy, or helping them with tasks they actually know how to do is not going to result in a spoiled child. These can support independence rather than undermine it, depending on context.

So what constitutes spoiling? According to Spannagel, it’s inconsistent boundaries, rescuing kids from any discomfort, and failing to follow through on limits. On the other hand, "Warmth, responsiveness, and flexibility lead to healthy kids who become healthy adults," she says.

If you’re not sure you’re raising a spoiled child, psychologist Michele Borba identified some signs: if your child can’t accept “no,” has constant demands, and never feels satisfied no matter what you give them. To avoid this, Borba suggests always being consistent when setting limits, praise kindness over achievement, and build gratitude through small daily habits.